Lifelong Project

My parents are married and I admire that about them. I admire how they gave their lives to each other, to five boys, and to multiple businesses. Their example in marriage, in love, is something I can only hope to someday, if ever, aspire to. Their life together is love. From what I’ve learned, love isn’t just the kisses, moonlight dances, and walks on sandy beaches; love is putting the needs of others before your own. Love is laundry, yard work, errands, cooking dinner, and doing for each other without calling it compromise. Love is shown in the act of giving void of anticipated reciprocation.

53 years ago Mom and Dad began their married life. They were high school sweethearts, fell in love, and they’ve stayed happily there. They’ve honored their vows, stuck through the tough times and the good times, in sickness and in health. I’ve seen the wedding photos – black and white portraits and snapshots of two happy people, their families and friends in the celebration. There’s mom in her white dress and my dad in a tuxedo. They look so young because they were.

I’m certain that over their 53 years together there have been moments where they wondered what life would be like without one another, without these five boys, and their life as they know it. Love, true love, has a way of pulling and keeping two people together. The mechanics of marriage may be a legality, but love and loyalty are not. My parents have values where giving your word is a contract, where promises mean commitment, honor is founded on meaningful action, and respect is openly shown for one another. My parents are role models for this divorce generation.

When I married I hoped to follow in their example – to have a long, happy life of marriage, of having a household of kids, and bliss. Well, that didn’t transpire as I thought, as I hoped. I’ve been divorced for 14 years, still single, still hoping. I’ve come to accept that I’ll likely not experience a 53-year anniversary – I’d need to be married today and then live until I’m 93. Care to guess which seems more probable?

There was a stretch in my life when I swore I’d never marry again. What I really meant, I’ve finally learned, is that I don’t want to divorce again. My divorce was the singular most painful, most disappointing event. If you want to see how ugly people can be, watch a divorce. I learned why marrying the right person is so important; I wonder still if there is a right person or just someone who can tolerate me and I her. I don’t want tolerance; I want wholehearted, consuming, heart-pounding love. I’m an all-or-nothing-at-all kind of guy.

I do realize that I’m probably not the easiest person to live with. I’m stubborn, grouchy most mornings, demanding, and I worry enough for two people. I need to be alone and I need to be with others. I question, with a grin, the sanity of women who are attracted to me. I smoke cigars, play poker, and ride motorcycles. I also know that I’m loyal, generous, affectionate, sympathetic, accommodating, long-suffering, and long-winded.

For years there was a callus around my heart, tough, impenetrable, vulnerable to no arrows, no love, no woman. And then somehow things have changed. Maybe it was getting older, the thought of being alone forever, or the Florida sunshine and solo walks ankle-deep in the Gulf, but my heart wants to feel again, has felt again. First it was a rekindled friendship, then came thunderbolts, chemistry, Cupid, a muse, and incredible attraction. It was the way she looked at me and the way she’d reach for my hand. I’ve faded to sleep with thoughts of this woman and woke with those thoughts still as fresh.

But love uses a funny knife, it can stab, but won’t always cut both ways.

In a shoebox somewhere there’s a photo I’ve been looking for. It’s of my parents from a few years ago. It’s Thanksgiving in Nashville when we all took an after dinner walk. It was a cool, gray day. Mom’s wearing a red coat and Dad has on his leather jacket and a tweed cap. They’re ten yards ahead of me and I see Dad reach over and take Mom’s hand. It was an instant decision, camera, click: this moment captured forever if I could only find that photo. Since that day and on walks since I’ve seen them still holding hands, still look after each other, still in love, still loving.

That’s what I want in my life, what I hope to find out there, what my heart longs for. I know what I have felt, how the possibility of love has excited me. And then I’m reminded how impractical, scary, painful it all can be. There are countless things I don’t fully understand and love, passion, hope, rejection, deception, and bitter arguments are a few. For a writer I get amazingly stumped and a little misty when I talk about the disappointment of unrequited love, lost hope, vulnerability, and the bravado of just breathing.

But this isn’t about me, it’s about the people who made me. It’s about the people who looked after me when I was little, encouraged me when I was big. It’s about the people who stoked me to write and gave me my first typewriter, encouraged me to photograph and offered my first camera, and the people who still want the best for me. This is about the people I love and the love they’ve always given to me. It’s about the people who still want the best for me, who want me to find someone to love, to find someone worthy of my love. This is about my parents and my thankfulness for the example they’ve lived.

Happy 53rd anniversary, Mom and Dad.

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There’s a Lyle Lovett lyric that so true for me: “it ought to be easier when you know you have to go.”

For the past several years The Lifelong Project has been incredibly good to me. I’ve been fortunate to have the time to ponder the importance in and of my life, to wrestle personal demons, and to prioritize goals. I’ve stared into the abyss and can attest that the abyss does stare back. I’ve learned about myself and made myself vulnerable by openly sharing my thoughts, weaknesses, and introspection here. I’ve changed my life not by applying the principles of project management, but by taking persistent action to do the next right thing.

The Lifelong Project has afforded me the honor to share my message with thousands of people through seminars in the United States and in Europe. I’ve talked about my views on life with people from all around the world and have been blessed by Tibetan monks, ministers of small and large churches, and even the Pope. The real blessing, however, is from the individuals that have hugged my neck, shared their stories, and became my friends through this simple, little book.

But I’m no one to tell anyone how to live their lives. I’ve only wanted to share what’s worked for me in the hopes that others will profit from my lessons. I’ve achieved that goal and much more. Over the past several years I’ve identified the essential elements I want in my life for the remainder of my life. My heart’s desires are probably similar to yours; you and I aren’t so different. For the past several months I’ve been processing what’s important to me into ten values that shape my purpose:

• For my family, my son, and myself to have abundant joy.
• I want lasting, wholehearted love.
• To win the friendship of people I admire.
• Choosing to freely give with joy without expectation of reciprocation.
• Doing work that’s worthy of my time, talent, and abilities.
• Living void of judgment, within boundaries, and without expectations of anyone but myself.
• To control what I can control – myself and how I react to others.
• To accept that disappointments may come, will come, but life is not perfect; I am not perfect.
• Letting go of the past, living in the present, and to know the future is unknown.
• To have the love of others, the respect of others, I must first have the same for me.

But about that Lyle Lovett song… It’s time for me to go. It’s time for me to move onto other endeavors. I wrote The Lifelong Project for no one else, but me. While I’ve been thrilled with the responses I’ve received, the message was always for me. I’m closing this project and shifting into, in management terminology, operations. The Lifelong Project works. I’ll occasionally update this blog, but not with the same frequency as I have in the past.

So what’s next for me? I’ve been secretly working on a new book that will be published in September. It’s a book in the same vein as The Lifelong Project, but with more of a bite. It’s a book about why so many people are unhappy in their lives because they’re unhappy with their careers. My new book is titled Vampire Management: Why Your Job Sucks. It’s a biting look at what creates (or steals) personal fulfillment, how you spend your waking hours, and life among the undead. More details will be coming soon.

Thank you again for your contributions to this effort, your prayers and hopes for my life, and for allowing me to share my stories, thoughts, and goals.

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Angst, whiskey, and words; I’ve enough to write.

It was a night like this when I knew I was going to be a writer: fireflies launching from the hayfields, crickets chirping, and half a moon just a smear of orange. A stubborn mockingbird interrupting my thoughts and threatening my sleep. Nearby were the last embers of a campfire glowing red like devil eyes and sporadic, hot tongues licking marshmallow from, abandoned, sharpened sticks. I trekked barefoot through the dewy grass to my little tent armed with a flashlight and a stack of books: Doyle, London, Stevenson. I’d spend the summer nights reading about wolves, vampires, and London mysteries until I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Most nights I’d just read and imagine what it’d be like to actually see the snows of Kilimanjaro, or step into the shadows of London, or be shipwrecked by pirates. Muggy darkness was tempered by cool breezes and jugs of purple Kool-Aid and Faygo Red Pop and Root Beer I’d buried in a bucket of ice. When the inevitable summer storms would rip over I’d imagine I was on the Sea Wolf or some monster was lurking behind the barn sniffing the air, looking for something, someone, to eat. Flashes of silver let me glimpse creepy shapes and eyes staring back. Too scared to run the acres to the house I’d hunker down and pray for dawn.

Dawn always came and I survived another night. My neck might have been pocked with mosquito bites and pimples, but never fangs. Dawn always comes.

Some nights I’d be too spooked to sleep and other nights my brothers would try to scare me by shaking the tent or howling from the glow of the porch light. Sometimes I swear I heard bears crashing through the nearby forest and knew giant snakes slithered all around. Other nights nothing could’ve phased me; I’d ease out of the tent, roam the fields, and watch the diamond-studded sky for shooting stars and UFOs. I’d sit on the old log by the tiny creek and wonder what my future would be like. Who would I marry? How many kids would we have? What would my brothers, my friends, do when they were grown?

Now, some thirty-odd years later, I long for those summery nights with no bills to sort through, no alarm clocks disguised as opportunity, and a lean belly. Then I was safe in the shelter of simplicity, safe in the innocence of the unknown.

But in order to write, to have something worth telling, writers need to live, to experience; So I’ve done that – am doing that. I’ve explored, experimented, and asked deep, scary questions. I know, like I’m sure you do, what it feels like to love and lose. I know the feeling of wanting and longing – and the feeling of getting and letting go. I know what it’s like to have a beautiful woman sleep next to me, to have her hair spill across my chest, and to smell her perfume in the dark. I know the misery of endings when I’ve hoped for something lasting and desire to love someone better than me. I know what it’s like to stare and hope at the phone – only to have it stare silently back like some creature outside my tent. I do know what it’s like to feel loved, to feel wanted, but also to be stabbed in the back and bit to the bone.

In this life I’ve seen people I’ve admired fall to lies, lust, and greed. I’ve opened the gates around this heart and let the guards run free. I’ve drank water from a fountain in Rome and touched a vial allegedly full of Christ’s blood. I’ve wandered through red light districts and toasted wine with strangers I’ll never see again. I’ve ran across the Brooklyn Bridge, down Hitler’s bunkers along the North Sea, and through charming neighborhoods in Paris. I’ve relied on the kindness of strangers and have asked my family for help. I’ve worked hard, I’ve been lazy. I’ve won and lost thousands in poker, blackjack, and Wall Street.

Yes, it’s been a damn exciting life, so far. I’m extremely fortunate and equally thankful. Still, like the younger me all those years ago, I wonder what’s coming next. How will tomorrow be different? Who’ll break or heal this patched-up heart, me or her? So I write the stuff that sells, the stuff that I often think doesn’t matter. And then nights like this, with that half moon with full halo, feel the urge to climb out of bed, stretch these tired limbs, and pound this keyboard.

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If you want to achieve your goals you must take steady, consistent action. You must also consider what you’re willing to give up in order to get what you want. Project One Nine will help you get from here to there. It’s a simple approach to goal achievement based on the principles of my book The Lifelong Project.

In The Lifelong Project, I take the concept of goal achievement and use the principles of project management to get things done. I’ve learned since writing my book some valuable lessons, chief among them is that a year is a practically an esoteric amount of time for many people. While we all know how quickly a year can slip by, it’s still a surprise when the next birthday, the next high school graduation, or the next autumn rolls around.

Nine weeks, however, is a snap. Think back two months and you’re practically at nine weeks. You can do this – let me show you what’s worked for me. Let’s just consider this an experiment within The Lifelong Project. I’m going to use the key lessons from my book in a truncated, precise approach to goal achievement. Here’s the framework:

1. Choose one goal. In The Lifelong Project I delve into managing and coordinating efforts to achieve multiple goals. Not in Project One Nine. Choose one goal that you want to achieve. Notice the word “want” – it’s more important to want to do something than having to do something. Your one goal must be defined in quantitative terms. For example, “I want to lose some weight” isn’t a quantifiable goal. “I want to lose 15 pounds” is a precise goal for this experiment.
2. You get nine weeks. Nine weeks is manageable, easy to see, and you’ll be through it, done with your goal, and celebrating victory before you realize it. My intent is to get you moving quickly towards achieving your goal because there’s a sense of urgency – just nine weeks! – to get this thing done. Let’s not drag it out.
3. Your goal must be realistic. The scope of your goal must fit the time allotted. Your goal must be feasible to achieve in nine weeks. For example, if your goal is to complete a technical training course, but if the class lasts for twelve weeks then that’s not good this experiment. Instead edit your goal to a milestone of going nine weeks in the course without missing any assignments, any lecture, or some other achievable, identifiable result that fits to nine weeks.
4. No quitters. If you’re going to do it, just suck it up and commit to it. Grit your teeth, get determined, expected challenges, but keep on going. I don’t want quitters in this endeavor. If you have doubts about sticking to this program for the next nine weeks then it’s better than you don’t even start. I’ve said for a long time: Do something or endure the misery. If you’re determined to make a change in your life, I’ll help you.
5. Be accountable. Private goals are dreamy, but public goals become commitments. Put it out there, be vulnerable, and share what you’re doing – and on a regular, consistent basis. One of the easiest methods to do this is on Facebook. It’ll take you a few seconds to share your goal, share your progress, and that’ll keep you accountable. You should also become a fan of The Lifelong Project on Facebook – as this is where I’ll post regular updates, videos, and encouragement about goal achievement.

Are you ready to get started? Great! Here’s what you’ll do:

1. Your first assignment is to clearly define your one goal. For example, my goal in this endeavor is to lose 15 pounds. My doctor advised, and advises, that I still need to lose 15 pounds. These stubborn 15 pounds around my waist, hips, and gut. I’m tired of seeing this ring of blubber around my midsection and I’m ready to work these final pounds off my body.
2. Define your start and end dates. You’ll want to define exactly when you’ll be starting and ending the work to achieve your goal. It could be today or you can aim for the following Monday – the point is, define the dates and then stick to it. For me, my start date is June 5 and my finish date is August 6.
3. Share your goal. That’s right – no whining. Get on Facebook and post your goal. You need accountability to yourself, friends, and family. Update your status about the progress you’re making several times a week. Tell people about the actions you’re taking. Watch what will happen! Your friends and family will become excited for you – and this creates energy. You’ll not only find motivation to keep going you’ll also be inspiring and motivating others. That is powerful! I’ll be updating my status for the next nine weeks on Facebook in The Lifelong Project fan page.
4. Breakdown your goal into three, three-week segments. For example, in my goal to lose 15 pounds I’ve broken down my goal as:
   • Weeks 1-3: Five pounds dropped by June 25
   • Weeks 4-6: Ten pounds dropped by July 16
   • Weeks 7-9: Fifteen pounds dropped and goal completed by August 6

   
   Notice how I didn’t say five pounds each time? Make your segments achievable so that you can see you’re building momentum to that final milestone and end of week nine.
   

5. Now define the activities for each segment of the goal. You’ll want to provide specific activities – the more precise the better. (I’ve elected to not share my specific health activities because I don’t want to dispense advice that may not be right for you. I recommend you hire a trainer, as I did, to help create your fitness goals. You might also want to get consult your doctor about any health-related goals.) For example, In order for me to lose five pounds in the first few weeks I’ve defined my activities as:
   • Exercise seven hours a week: running, weight lifting, and biking
   • Follow a healthy diet: fruits, vegetables, chicken, fish, eggs, water (I’ll give up fried foods, desserts, and beer except for Sunday, which is my splurge day)
   • Keep a food journal: I’ll record what I’m eating and drinking to be accountable to this goal
6. Repeat the process. At the end of the first segment you’ll break down the precise actions of the second segment. At the end of the second segment you’ll break down your final actions for the end of the project.
7. Celebrate! When you reach the end of week nine and your goal is complete you’ll celebrate your accomplishment. Do something special – you’ll deserve it: massage, fancy meal, or a few days off work. Make your celebration meaningful so you’ll have something extra to work towards as a reward for achieving your goal.

Are you in? Ready to commit to this endeavor? I’ll help you along the way as I’m going to be doing this too. I’ll post articles, daily motivation, and videos to help us both reach our goals. If you’re really committed I encourage you to find a partner that can help. Now get to work!

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